the long entry

long time since i penned down a detailed entry *lazy* gee. oh well, my life aint tt exciting anyway hur. ha.

Valentines Day just passed in the blink of an eye. Happy Belated Valentines Day To All! hehe :p hope u'all had a fab one, wif ur love ones :) It can be Friendship Day, Lovers Day or Family Day hur? heh. very pleased to see the Loveline Advertisement on New Paper too :) *smiles*

Valentines Day fell on a wkday so my boy and i celebrated de wkend in advance. It was a very simple day as we din reali make any specific plans. jus a dinner @ Manhattan Fish Market, afterwhich we headed to the Esplanade for Hot Brownie w/ice cream @ Black Angus. It was also the last day of CNY, thus managed to catch the fireworks! hehe :p might sound abnormal, but i simply love the outlook of fireworks, lol. the colourful lights depict hope for me. colourful fireworks = colourful life we'll have. muahaha...*lame*

i was on leave on Monday, tryin to settle a lot of my sch stuff but end up din reali accomplish a lot, sigh. feelin quite down wif my stupid studies in fact, but cant do much to it. some things r not reali going well and its reali depressing noeing bout some things. some things i dun understand, yet i've to force myself to understand. for the sake of wad? i dunno. some pt of time, i wish i cld jus stop studyin n relax my mind. *sigh*

the week at work was pretty ok. spent some time doin my assignment. hav to liase wif my project mates for some assignment too. wonder how we're gonna squeeze thru our so-limited time. now tt my com is sorta screwed up, i dunno how the hell am i gonna do my work too :( my brother aint a least helpful. im stuck wif tis dumbo com which a lot of things n programs i dun hav. and no one in my family bothers la, cos they hav their own com to start wif. crap.

nothin much to look fwd to tis yr i feel. hopefully a tentative Bangkok trip is coming along the way mid tis yr. my boy ask me if i wanna go togeda wif his frens + gf. i hav a bad hunch bout work by mid yr cos my colleague is going on maternity leave = work all left for me to do. crap.

times wen im feelin so upset, so depressed, so torn apart, there's no one except tis blog tt i can turn to. so ironic, but its true. we had some disturbances recently, quarrels that led to a lot of tears. i hav no idea how tis letter came bout, whether it is bcos my boy felt bad, or wadever wadever reasons there might be. It touched me indeed. but is it good or bad? being touched = becoming more soft hearted. he wrote:

My Dearest Xinyi,

Surprised I called you that? This letter was actually meant to be written in Chinese, but CMI, every 2 characters I would forget how to write one of them =p

As the lecture goes on, slowly eating the time I could have spent with you on Valentines Day! I yearn to celebrate such an occasion with you. Furthermore, it could have been our first together. Reflecting back, I realised I havent been good to you in the sense of adding some spice or romance into our r/s. It feels sucky inside me.

Ever since the night I poured out my heartfelt worries & sadness to you, I felt less worrying about things of the future. There's more in life out there. Like making you happy, seeing my family stay healthy: makes me happy. It really hit me in the face that I am owing you a lot of debt, emotional debt. Love and romance shoudl always be present no matter how far apart we are or how long we're together. I know I should put in more effort to make up for this. My only explanation for now is Combat E is really taking a toll on my energy and even health.

I understand your insecurities and the unstable future you worry about. Sometimes I feel helpless. But baby, I'm cracking my head for my future career so as to better provide for you, for us and our family.

Sometimes my decisions may seem to display a disadvantage or something you would not be happy about, its because I have things to consider. Wait for me k dearest? Wait till I commission and things get settled down, I promise things will be better, if it doesnt, I will make it better. I love you baobei, i miss you.

Loving you always,

Wilson

the words he wrote made me cry. deep in my heart, i hope every single word is true :) i feel a shaky r/s emerging, but deep inside, i hope im wrong. or perhaps im jus living in self-denial? ha. time will show everything.. *ponders* i get quite upset wen frens come into the picture of our quarrels. 3rd party will never understand.. *cries*

the past few conversations i had wif a fren made me question bout myself. she had some disputes wif a fren whom she knew yrs ago. trust was the problem. some misunderstanding happen between dem i tink. friendship can be so fragile. she made a remark "even tho i know u later than them, i tink you're a better fren than them and i feel you're more trustworthy. you're always there for your frens". is that true? i noe myself, its a clear no.

i try to be there for them, but i've my own personal life too. once in awhile i'll jus drop one or two sms-es askin bout their well-being :) it makes me happy noeing that the pple ard me are doing good *smiles* pple change - ive leanrt tt thru my 3 yrs in poly. do wad u tink is right, but dun expect ppl to treat u de same good way too.

den days after, she had some problem wif her r/s. as usual, me being a thrid party, i can nv understand what they're going thru so ive no say either. thereafter, she commented: "i wish i was at least half like you. you're nice to pple & you seem to be so easily contented. i can nv hav a r/s like you". i tink the first person hu'll object to tt sentence will be my boy, lol.

i am neither nice, nor easily contented! lol.. i jus wan to treasure the good things tt hav come into my life right now. who noes wen god is going to tk them away fr me? i dun even noe if my current r/s can work out well, its a risk tt we all take, we have a choice, but often, we put ourself into such vulnerable position tt our heart speak more than our mind :/ nothin is certain, i wan to be happy wif my current situation :) i just got back my previous modules project marks and am very satisfied wif it :D First Class isnt easy to get; its definitely a boost to my morale and i hope i can do the same for my future modules :) Thank you teacher.

*the body of our r/s is shaky, but the root is still firm. our love is strong (i hope). i dunno how else to help, if you dun help urself, no one will be able to. stay strong my dear. be more determined and dun fall. even if you fall, i'll be there to catch you :) my heart still beats for you and i hope its the same for you too. thank u for the flowers, its really lovely*